Am I a Christian?

Hi - for my first post here, I thought I'd post a mini-essay I wrote a while back, on what I think (or thought?) it means to be a Christian. Of course, I don't claim to have condensed the fullness of the Christian message into a few paragraphs, but I do think it helps summarise where I am quite well.

Am I a Christian?

Someone asked me this recently, and I feel I didn't answer very well! So, this is me trying to figure out what the question means, and my answer to it. In the world today, and even in our Churches, I feel this question has become too easy to answer, as christianity has become more about what one thinks than what one wants and does. I don't feel this is right. First, being a Christian means to follow Christ, which must mean more than just believing the same things he did. In the bible, Jesus is very critical of people who 'believe', but don't act in the way God would want. Being a Christian MUST, for me, be more about how we do live than how we think we should live, and what we think exists. Second, having a set of beliefs that define precisely what's true and what isn't also makes me uncomfortable. One reason for this is that us humans are limited - we make mistakes when we reason and attempt to describe things. Another, more important one, is that God is so much bigger than us. Isn't it arrogant to think we can describe God, her creation, and what she wants us to do, with a set of rigid beliefs written out by human thinkers in human language? [Note – when I wrote this, I was also attempting to question the idea of God as masculine. I’m not sure, now, whether I was correct in this, but I’ll leave it the same anyway.]

For me, there are two ways we need to rethink what we mean by 'christian'. First, we need to go back to thinking of a Christian as being a 'little Christ' - so you are only a Christian in so much as your life looks like that of Jesus. Second, instead of our faith in God being about affirming a selection of truths, we need to think of it in terms of a relationship. Knowing God is much more like a child being caught up in the arms of its mother, than an intellectual decision. So, basically, to be a Christian is to allow ourselves to be caught up in the embrace of God, and to respond to that embrace.

So, in this sense, am I am Christian? I've definitely sensed God, and 'known his presence'. I've also felt the call to be Jesus' disciple, to radically transform the way I live my life, and myself. There's just one problem: I'm hopelessly inadequate. I've given some things to the poor, but barely ever enough that it actually changes how I can live. I have, in small ways, pulled myself out of a consumer society that tells us to value ourselves by how much we can buy. But not nearly enough. In short, I've dabbled in Jesus' way, but in no way is my life as radical, free or beautiful as his.

I'm afraid YOU are going to have to decide for yourselves if I'm a Christian, as it isn’t really something I have the authority to answer. Am I, in some small way, like Jesus? Or am I just another hypocrite with a lot of words but no courage to actually do anything? Like I said, you decide.